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WARNING: Major, MAJOR spoilers ahead for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. At least the book. I have no idea what the movie is like.

I am not going to spoil the central mystery of the book, by the way. I actually enjoyed that part enough that it's what actually got me to finish the thing. No, my problem with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo begins and ends, like all things in that book, in Mikael Blomkvist's shorts.

Which is to say, I'm talking about his penis. Or more specifically, his penis and the inability of every female character in the book under the age of 50 to not immediately latch on to said organ and take it for a joy ride.

I'm not a prude. I swear. I read Laurel K. Hamilton, for gods' sake, at least until the killing stuff to sex ratio slipped into values of less than one. I don't have a problem with characters getting it on... as long as it actually makes sense and doesn't interfere with the story.

So it made sense when Blomkvist was banging his female friend/coworker/lady he was having an affair with that caused his divorce. Sure. I can dig that. She's a pretty cool character, actually.

Then he goes to the island, and one of the Vangers immediately squirms into his pants. Because she's apparently wanted to do that since she clapped eyes on him. Which I think is kind of a dumb reason to bang some guy you barely know, but hey, people do it all the time.

Then Blomkvist hooks up with Lisbeth, and that's about where I went WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK and just put my foot down. For starters, the sudden hop into Blomkvist's bed made absolutely no sense from the character Lisbeth had been built to be - at least in my opinion. Moreso, because in the beginning of the book she'd been the target of a very violent sexual assault, and that's something that didn't seem to even cross her mind once she encountered Blomkvist. Some very thin reasoning was given as to why she decided to ride his baloney pony, but frankly, I still think it's total crap.

Add to that the fact that as Blomkvist is described, he's not really anything all that remarkable in looks, is maybe a bit above average in the intelligence department, and it becomes more of a puzzle. If Blomkvist's beauty were at least described in creepy, cooing detail like that of D in the Vampire Hunter D Novels, I could at least buy everyone around wanting to bang him. Since hey, it apparently works that way if you're a half-vampire. Which Blomkvist manifestly isn't.

So, all I can conclude is that there's some sort of inescapable gravity well centered around Mikael Blomkvist's penis, and as soon as a woman gets within about two feet of him, she goes tumbling past the event horizon and can't escape.

And I further concluded this morning that if, during my fanfiction days, I had wrote anything remotely like a male character with a black hole in his shorts, the fan community would have cut me to shreds. And they wouldn't even have paused to sharpen their knives first, because sharpenin' is too good for dirty, lowdown scoundrels that write Mary Sue fanfiction.

The hell of it is, I really liked Lisbeth Salander as a character up until she started working with Blomkvist and slipped past the foreskin event horizon. And then to add insult to injury, not only does she bang him for no discernible reason, but she then decides that she's in love with him, for the thinnest of thin reasons. I almost threw the book across the room, except that it's not my book and my mommy raised me better than that.

I rather think the author's fallen into the gravity well, himself.

Also, the book once again continued the sad pattern that occurs in almost every action novel - if there's a small, cute animal, such as a cat, the evil killer will do something awful to it, just to show how awful and evil he is. Kind of like the way all psychopaths in the movies and on television are also avid scrapbookers.

I wanted to like the book, but considering the plot is caught between a horribly dead cat and a penis black hole, I just can't bring myself to recommend it.

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Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
ofthisangel
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:01 am (UTC)
*is alive!*

I haven't read the book (thank god), but I've seen some of the movie. Not. Worth. It.

The mystery surrounding the missing, probably dead (but who knows) character is interesting enough, but it's not worth watching for it.

If it cheers you up any, the gravity of Mikael's penis doesn't seem to work too well in the movie - Lisbeth resists! Though maybe I misinterpreted the one-sided hug. xD
vatine
Sep. 17th, 2010 06:07 am (UTC)
Lisbeth's behaviour does actually make a shred of sense, but I don't think that's obvious until book #2.

The author is, by now, probably well-planted or cremated. :)
katsudon
Sep. 17th, 2010 06:40 pm (UTC)
Ah, I hadn't realized that he died. Though that also doesn't really change my opinion of the book, since I still find it in my heart to dislike books whose authors have died. (Ask me my opinion on A Tale of Two Cities some time.)

My mom has argued me around to giving the second book a try. We'll see if it changes my mind.
vatine
Sep. 19th, 2010 05:26 am (UTC)
Even more bizarre, I must know several men with black-hole penises, since I do know at least two chaps who (seem to) have that effect on women, so what has been described in the book may well be something that is taken from real life (I don't know if the chaps were extraordinarily beautiful, I would class them as "normal", but, then, they were men and thus not in my sphere of potential lust objects).
idemandjustice
Sep. 17th, 2010 10:40 am (UTC)
I'm going to have to bookmark this and come back after I've had a chance to read the book. I saw it for sale in the grocery store, but I get coupons from Borders and can probably get it cheaper there.

Are you a member of bookfails? Might be a fun place to post some of your book rants.
(Deleted comment)
ryversong
Sep. 17th, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC)
Dear troll who has been hitting LJ hard recently,

I know that you don't actually care about this, but it entertains me to respond, so I shall.

All the hate in the world won't actually make that book not suck. So sorry.

Tell me, will knowing my childhood nickname, hair color, personality, or name make you feel better about my hate for this book? Not that I am the original author of the post, but since I agree with most of it (I actually thought the mystery was crap too.) I am curious to know.

Also, as an aside, I'm sure that you were intending to explain that you were personally offended by the perceived slight on the author who may or may not be a friend. What you did was make yourself look like a really creepy stalker.

Thank you for the afternoon amusement,
Ryversong
katsudon
Sep. 17th, 2010 06:33 pm (UTC)
Deleted the troll comment FYI. Weird... the comment that got e-mailed to me had a whole bunch of links in russian on it. But they didn't show up on this page. Huh.
katsudon
Sep. 17th, 2010 06:37 pm (UTC)
Also, I was just assuming that it was spam, and that was why it was incoherent. But maybe you're right and it did have some relevance to the post, though not necessarily a whole heck of a lot. So I criticized an author for possibly being way too in love with his own character. Big yay. I'm very much allowed to be critical of an author's work, and it's not actually a personal attack.

My mom's actually argued me around to trying the next book in the series, btw, since apparently Lisbeth has escaped the black hole and shall never return. I'll give it a shot and let you know what I think.
ryversong
Sep. 17th, 2010 10:24 pm (UTC)
If it's not terrible you should let me know. I had a really hard time reading the first one...
ryversong
Sep. 17th, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
I love you, Katsu. I love you so much. The foreskin event horizon. It sums it up so well. I had the same problem. I wonder if it's any better in it's native language. If there are somethings that don't translate over. Also, I'm completely creeped out by the I'm old enough to be your dad but you're still all over that shit... You don't have friends, but want to do the friendly neighborhood bicycle. It just doesn't track.

Also, I figured it out before the end and that always irritates me.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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